Monday, November 5, 2012

And I Called Myself Beloved

Late Fragment by Raymond Carver

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

ONE WHOLE YEAR OF GRATITUDE

I'm a goober and messed up my counting somewhere along the line... so I had to go back and relabel every day from 165 to 365. While a tiny bit annoying, what an amazing way to reread a year's worth of posts (I went back and reread them all).

I did it. I actually wrote 365 days of gratitude. When I started this blog last November, I really didn't know if I'd keep up with it or if it'd fizzle away as so many of my journals or blogs have. But here we are 365 days later. I'm a little bit in awe right now.

Rereading a year's worth of blessings, I find myself feeling an overwhelming sense of love and hope and, wait for it... gratitude. Truly though - I don't believe it's possible not to feel such gratitude when so many of my posts mentioned: (a) the incredible people in my life (both currently and in the past), (b) my ability to financially meet my needs, or (c) the lessons I've learned of the past year.

And it's been a rough year, perhaps the hardest of my life. There were a lot of moments when I wasn't sure I was going to make it through and yet, here I am. Here I am with a daily record of incredible moments. Here I am with an accounting of growth, of pain, of beauty, of gratitude, of tiny, tiny treasures that make up a life.


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Sixty-Five

I FINALLY FOUND STICKY RICE IN DENVER!!!!!!


And yes, that sentence really does deserve all capital letters and six exclamation points.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Monday, October 29, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Sixty-Three

I really love finding new blogs that have great DIY ideas, fabulous quotes, and/or beautiful pictures.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Sixty-One


I've got whozits and whatsits galore...

Haven't watched this in so long!!!!!!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Sixty

It was really nice to have a day off during the week. I loved running errands without being overtired from working all day and it was really nice to just sit in a coffeeshop at 2pm and read a book.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Nine

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn; my god do you learn."  -C.S. Lewis

Apparently I need to keep relearning the same lesson over and over and over again. I knew better than to see her, but I wanted to; so I did. And it was an experience. The most brutal of teachers. But I'm learning. And I'm trying to remember to be grateful for all of life's experiences - even those that are incredibly painful.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Eight

I'm so grateful to be home from the conference and able to snuggle and sleep in my own bed!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Seven

I don't know how I would have survived this work conference without my boss. It's been really nice to get to know her a little bit more on a personal level and I so greatly appreciate all the support she gave me. She didn't judge my crazy social anxiety and she listened when the conference topics became too overwhelming/triggering for me. She's been incredibly encouraging and has helped me remember what my life priorities are.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Six

Time alone in a hot tub, in the mountains, staring at the brightest stars

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Five

Survived the first of the conference without having too major of an anxiety attack. Enjoyed chatting with the coworker on the drive up here and had a good talk with the boss this evening.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Four

My writing group doubled in size today! It's particularly completely overwhelming to be the only facilitator with 9 group members sharing that much detail about their traumas, but it's also really amazing that through word of mouth, my marketing, and the relationships I'm building while even doing intakes has led to a double sized group. Pretty fucking badass.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Three

EPIC happy hour with the HH girls!!! Haven't had a night out that late or been that carefree and flirty in a very long while.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Two

I'm really glad I got to hang out with L.M. today and that we just chilled and watched Grey's. It felt like old times; and while I know nothing is as easy as it was back then and that I'm not sure what's going to happen with our friendship and that so much still feels unsettled, I also thought we might never have a moment that felt what we had before again. But we did. And it gives me hope.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-One

I'm really grateful for groupon! And for an amazing and cheap massage!!!! What a treat! And the guy was beyond. I want to go back tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifty

I have a picture hanging on my fridge that reads: "I urge you to please notice when you are happy and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice I don't know what is."

And today, while driving from the office to our Speak Out! Symposium event, I found myself repeating that quote because it felt so, so true. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Nine

I am totally grateful for Disney movies! And for Dee Dee loaning me some of her collection so that I can relive the awesome parts of childhood!

Oh Beauty & the Beast. Pocahontas. Little Mermaid. How happy you make me.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Eight

I am grateful for the BananaBoat today! She went to new heights this weekend and she made it both up and back down the mountain! She has kind of a silly smell to her right now, but I'm hoping that it's temporary and that tomorrow she will be all good.

As a reward, she's going to get a bath and a vacuum this week!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Seven

Today was rainy and cold and it meant I had to change my hiking plans. But it also meant I got to just hang out in Eagle. I drove around and took pictures, then relaxed in the hot tub, read for fun, created my Etsy store, and then went to a bar and watch the Tigers beat the Yankees. It was actually really enjoyable. And reminded me the importance of being flexible and the beauty that comes when I can be.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Six

I'm so grateful that my mommy is so generous and that she bought a group-on for a hotel up in Eagle, CO. It was so nice to go somewhere, even by myself. I needed to get out of the city for a bit and there's something about just being in a hotel that makes me feel lavish.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Five

I love living so close to SB now that we can do quick hang-out things. Like going to the mall for a couple of hours to just wander around. I mean, I love long hang out dates with friends, but there's also something amazing about being able to see people more often and therefore with shorter dates.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Four

No words for the specialness of today.

I drove down to CO Springs after work and got to spend the entire evening with my Doodles. We chatted and chatted and chatted; ate fabulous food; and then chatted and chatted and chatted some more.

The increased energy I feel after spending time in Doodles' presence is simply amazing. She lifts my soul. She connects my feet to the earth. She reminds me of all the best parts of home. I really wish I had the words to describe what seeing her does for me or how much I love her and her friendship. But those words just don't exist. Our friendship defies explanation. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Three

How blessed I am to have an evening where I genuinely told each person, "I love you," as we hugged goodbye. To have such great people in one's life is something really, really special.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Two

I fought some crazy anxiety today. Really intense, really powerful, pretty close to unmanageable anxiety. But I also didn't want to take anything for it. So even though I felt like going home and crawl into bed; instead, I met a couple of friends for a training at DU on spirituality in social work. It wasn't the most fascinating thing, but I'm really glad that I decided to attempt to relieve my anxiety in another way and that I did something different for a change.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty-One

I had a great brunch with Katydid this morning and a wonderful Dinner & Disney party with the WP crew this evening.

How fabulous to be surrounded by amazing, caring, humorous, and loving people all day today.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Forty

I had these grand plans to go down to CO Springs today to visit Di; but the weather got in the way of our intentions.

At first I was very disappointed, but then I realized that it meant I go to spend all day on my couch. And spend all day on my couch I did!!!


I spent hours sanding the endtable I'm redoing and then making cards. Seriously, for 12 hours I did arts/crafts and watched TV on my computer.

FOR 12 HOURS!!!


Which at first embarrassed me; but then I realized that I was incredibly freaking happy finishing the Prison Break series and working on my cards.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty-Nine

Oh there aren't words for the awesomeness of this morning!! I'm so grateful that A.S. organized a breakfast with Jae and that she included me.

I wish I could describe how wonderful breakfast was or why I'm so grateful to have met them for it. But I really feel like I don't have the words.

The most basic, and none specific, explanation I have is that Jae feels like she is the mentor I have missed for the past 2 years. Mentors don't have to be physically located nearby, but it helps if they are. And it helps if they're as interested in mentoring you as you are in being mentored.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty-Eight

I'm grateful to have the money required to make the homemade cards that make me feel better every night.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty-Seven

I'm not sure how I spend so much money here!! Seriously, things are $1! But when I feel that "need" to buy something or shop, I love going to the Dollar Tree. I feel so savvy walking out with so much for so little money. (Yah, yah, yah, I know... it's all $1)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty-Six

I'm so grateful our 30th Anniversary Celebration went on without too many hiccups! Things were pretty hectic and I didn't have a chance to really see much except the ticket table (during the reception time), the presentation was amazing. I absolutely loved the two speakers and thought they were incredible. I'm also feeling so blessed to have a friend like N.M. Her excitement, passion, and willingness to volunteer at the event made the evening so much more enjoyable.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty-Five

I really enjoy going for walks, especially in the Fall. But damn, convincing myself to go after work is usually impossible. I told myself tonight that I only "had to go for ten minutes" and that I could bring my camera.

I ended up walking for much, much longer, and took this incredible shot:


I don't know what is about this, but I love it. I'm amazed that my little dinky camera was able to do this. Or that I found the angle and the light to get it to turn out. I feel like I could pluck one of those grapes right through the computer.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty-Four

For clearing the air and speaking my piece. For finding the nerve not to "avoid" a conflict.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty-Three

She's been such a theme lately, but my gratitude today has everything to do with N.M. I'm so, so, so blessed to have her in my life. To have her to turn to when I need to vent, when I need to tell someone how I'm feeling, when I need someone to slap me upside the head through the phone, or when I need someone to need me too. I know that I can always turn to her and that she's not going to turn away. It's one of those friendships where I know she has my back and she knows I have hers. It feels great.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty-Two

Hi, my name is Megan and I'm a cupcake addict.


Seriously. I am. It's frightening how frequently I've stopped at a cupcake shop and bought cupcakes over the past month. I should calculate the money I've spent on it. Or maybe I shouldn't... definitely, definitely shouldn't.

It's not my fault there's so many amazing cupcake shops near me!

Like http://www.gigiscupcakesusa.com/ or http://www.theshoppedenver.com/. Or even the Whole Foods near work that has the best hazelnut ganche cupcakes on the face of the planet.


I blame Natasha for getting me hooked.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty-One

I know I've written about my new hobby of making homemade cards before, but I'm really proud of the progress I've made in my abilities since I started. My first cards were fine, but nothing I would say I'd really want to show anyone else. Over the last few months I've progressive gotten neater, more exact, and more creative. I'm even starting to ponder selling on etsy.




Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirty

Ten years ago they gave him 3-5 years to live. We all spent that time counting down those years and worrying when that time may come. Three years passed. Then four. Then five, six, seven, eight, nine, and today my grandpa turns 83. It's been a scary year with trips in and out of the hospital and in all likelihood, the end is probably pretty close. But ten years after they put a time limit on his life, my grandpa has celebrated another birthday. I love him more than words and know no other man like him. I am so blessed beyond words that he and our family get to celebrate his 83rd birthday.


Monday, September 24, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Twenty-Eight

Most nights out of the week I have trouble sleeping. Usually, I just lay in bed, take a sleeping pill, or try and entertain myself on the computer. A lot of the times what I really want to do is get the hell out of my apartment and take a walk; but I've convinced myself that it's not safe and I shouldn't. I actually feel relatively safe in my area, even late at night, but tell myself I shouldn't go out.

I decided tonight that I should just do what I felt like I both needed and wanted and I took a walk. I brought my camera along and probably looked like a drunken (though I was sober) fool with how often I stopped in random places and took random pictures, but it was so pleasurable and once I got home, I went to sleep. 

I'm really happy with how a few of these pictures turned out (w/the help of photoshop).





Sunday, September 23, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Twenty-Seven

I have a really random obsession with dead dandelions.

I believe in their magical power to grant wishes.

I always have.

I will always blow their seeds away and make a wish.



Saturday, September 22, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Twenty-Six

I had such a blast tonight at my housewarming shindig. I'm so thankful for everyone who came over and helped me "warm" my new place (2 months later, but whatever). It's so nice when random groups of people not only get along, but seem to enjoy being together too.

I have so many great pictures of the night, I don't even know which ones to include!






Friday, September 21, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Twenty-Five

I have amazing and generous friends and family! I am so appreciate of how many people have supported the work I'm doing by donating financially or by spreading the word of our fundraising campaign. Sometimes I get so caught up in daily activities that I forget to stop and be grateful for all those who helped me get to this place in my life. I am so incredibly grateful.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Twenty-Four

Today my boss (we share an office) sent me the following email:

"Hey there! You are talking on the phone right now, and I'm reminded that I haven't recently told you how great you are with survivors on the phone, and how pleasant you are when someone calls in! It's really fantastic!!!"

It felt really wonderful to hear such positive words and I feel like this is the one area of my job I (a) feel confident in and (b) truly care about*, so it's really important to know that she thinks I'm doing a good job. And I really appreciate her telling me. Because all of us have such specific roles, we usually work alone and can get so caught up in our own work that we don't remember to tell everyone how well they're doing.



*I care about all aspects of my job, but my interactions with survivors matters most to me

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Twenty-Three

I'm pretty sure the coolest part of this new gig is that part of the grant paying for my position is through the Colorado Works Force and that I get $150 towards new professional clothing!!!!!!!!!!


Today I went to Sears, where I have never ever ever been able to find something that both fits and is worth buying, and found several things (the gift cards are only for Sears)!!


The most amazing thing is that I found these boots on sale that are knee-highs and adorable!!! NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE HAVE BOOTS BEEN ABLE TO ZIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!


But these ddi! And now I feel hot as hell.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Twenty-Two

Oh. My. Goodness.

Tonight was our final night of the first Speak Out! Workshop.


And I knew tonight would be intense. That these stories would be intense. But shit. I had no clue.


Not only did I find the speeches amazing, but the combination of the fact that I know these people and that we've worked together for so long, damn. It all impacted me deeper than I was planning.


And I'm actually very grateful that it did. These amazing people have been through such horror, and yet, they sat across me for weeks to learn the best ways to speak of the horror they experienced. What!?!?! How does one express the gratitude of getting to be a part of that??

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Twenty

I'm still getting used to the fact that I have friends who have kids! And that these kids get older every year!!!!

All the same, I'm really grateful that N. felt that I'm an important enough part of both her life and the lives of her kids that I should come to their birthday parties.

I wasn't feeling well today and I debated not going; but I felt like I had to at least show up long enough to drop off the babes' presents. So I did. And N. immediately called out, "Daisy... Megan's here." Daisy ran into my arms and gave me the best snuggle ever!

N. then told me that when she told Daisy that I might not be able to make it b/c I wasn't feeling well that Daisy got really sad and upset. I don't know. It might be weird. But I really love N. And I really love her kiddos. And I really love that they wanted me there to celebrate their birthdays.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Nineteen

I love outreach work. I really, really do. But it also F'ing sucks. Today I stood for hours at an event where the booths were shoved into a corner of the parking lot and no one wanted to talk to us. We were in the sun; it was hot as hell; I was getting sunburned; I had to listen to a "gospel talent show," and I honesty thought I was going to lose my mind.

But THANK GOODNESS for other agencies placed in the same situation. At the fair was another agency that had a coordinator who felt the same way I did. We bonded instantly and made jokes throughout the entire day. If she wasn't there, I swear I would have lost my mind.

Sometimes, I swear, outreach events are created to help me feel less alone in my work.

Thank the Universe for this organization and this woman.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Eighteen

When I was seven years old, my classmate Corrine D. became an aunt. She had a much older half sister and one day she came into class announcing that her sister had a baby. Ever since that day I have wanted to be an aunt. I truly cannot even express the extent to which that desire to be an aunt goes. Or how annoying I have been for the last twenty years!!

I'm pretty sure that when my eldest brother, B, started dating R when they were 18, I immediately began asking when they'd have a baby. I probably asked this monthly until after yeeeeeeeears of this they finally asked me to stop asking. I did my best and stopped asking as often. I don't know what my obsession is with being an aunt, but damn it's a strong obsession. I love kids. I love babies. I love the children I babysit for like they are part of my family. And I think that while I'm terrified of being a mother, I know I am going to make a kickass aunt.

This August my mom told me that she had a suspicion that my brother and sister-in-law were pregnant. She didn't know for sure, but she thought so. I told her that if she was wrong and had gotten my hopes up that I would never speak to her again.

Tonight B & R asked to Skype with me and they opened with, "We have the news you've been waiting years for."

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!!!!!

Of course I immediately went shopping and made a card:




Thursday, September 13, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Seventeen

There are just certain things in life that are almost 100% consistent in bringing positiveness. Coffee dates with B.W. is one of those things. We've never hung out in any other capacity; but bring on the coffee and the coffeeshop and we will have an amazing time together. B has something about her that simultaneously excites me about life and calms my nerves. Getting together with her has this feeling to it of going "home."


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Sixteen

There's this great quote that goes something like: "What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be."


I bought tickets to a concert for myself and a friend and for a couple months, I had been thinking about how much fun we'd have. I had created all these expectations and hopes around the evening and then our relationship ended and suddenly I found myself with tickets to a show that I couldn't convince myself to go to b/c I wasn't going with her. How could I go to something that I bought as a birthday present for someone else? How could I attend something with someone else, when I knew I would spend the entire time thinking of someone else? 

I kept trying to sell our tickets and it just wasn't happening. I was reaching the point where I decided I was just going to give them away and just eat the cost. Tonight a young woman sent me an email telling me how much she loved the artists playing and she would love the tickets. She couldn't pay quite the cost of what I'd paid, but she offered close and she came over to pick them up. 

I know she is going to enjoy herself at the concert and that she'll be able to live in that very moment. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fifteen

9/11 is a complex day for me b/c I mourn and remember the tragedy of what happened in 2001. But I also remember and feel blessed by what happened in 1986 with the birth of a darling friend. I will forever feel sadness for the pain inflicted by those misguided people, but I will also always celebrate the amazing, amazing woman that was brought into the world on this day.n

Monday, September 10, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Fourteen



The best part of me believes this. And is grateful that I shouldn't regret any part of what we had because I really did want it for so long.


Sunday, September 9, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Thirteen

What an interesting day. I'm not really feeling gratitude towards much right now.

But what I have to say I do feel grateful for is that ultimately I'm making it through. I thought I needed to be with someone to get through the day and I called a friend and she wasn't really all about getting together.

So I decided that I wouldn't see her, even though she said we could get together. I just didn't feel like she meant it and I felt like I couldn't handle being around someone who didn't truly, absolutely want to be near me.

But I made it through the evening. I went and got coffee by myself. Then I took a walk. Then I went home and cleaned and went to bed before I couldn't handle things.

So even though V. ended things today; even though every minute of every hour of today sucked; even though all I want to do is crawl into someone's arms, I've survived it all by myself.

I just pray that I can continue to survive this way.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Twelve

WOW. How is it even possible that I've been doing this for 312 days? We all know I've skipped a couple days (ok, once or twice a couple weeks) here or there, but for 85% of those 312 days, I've blogged daily about what I'm grateful for. When I started this project I had really hoped that I would stay consistent and actually take the time to think about the blessings in my life. It hasn't always been easy, but I am so glad I decided to start this blog and that it's taken me where it has. Getting to that 1 year mark is going to be amazing.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Ten

Oh mental health days :)

I really just felt like I needed a breather today, so I took the day off of work. I know I just had Monday off for Labor Day, but I worked that Saturday, so it still felt like a normal 2 day weekend to me. Plus, there's something to me about taking an unscheduled day off... of "playing hooky."

It's been an emotionally exhausting week on both the personal and professional levels and to have a day where I can go where I please, do what I please, and not think of anyone or anything I don't want to feels great. I'm currently sitting in a coffeeshop, surrounded by friendly strangers, taking a momentary pause from my life.

I'm so incredibly grateful that I have this option, that I have enough paid personal/sick/vacation days that I can take today off without worrying about it.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Eight

I'm really glad my boss is giving me more and more leeway in the projects I'm doing. She told me today that she feels that "I'm getting the feeling and vibe of WINGS...." She hasn't much feedback or changes on the writings, flyers, or campaigns I've been working on recently and that also rocks.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Seven

Is there anything better than spending time with an old friend? It was amazing to see T.A. after all these years! She's definitely one of those people with whom it feels like we can pick up immediately right where we last left off. I'm excited for her new life in AZ and that she'll be closer for me to visit!


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Six

I really enjoyed sitting on patio at Dazbog this afternoon, just enjoying the coffee, the people watching, and feeling like part of a community. I had fabulous phone conversations with both my mom and my dad and it was just great to feel like I'm falling back into a Sunday routine.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Five

Brunch is my favorite meal ever, but I especially love it when I spend it with good people. I don't know the last time I laughed so much. K.A. and I are just great at having ridiculous conversations. The highlight of this brunch was all about the celebrities we were convinced we were going to marry when we were in middle school and how we'd lay in bed at night and plan how we were going to meet them so that they could propose.

She's just one of those people who I can't help but smile and lightening up when I'm around her.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Four





Arts & crafts. So grateful I "have" the money to spend on supplies. Some nights I spend hours and hours working on a project because it's the only thing that calms my anxiety. I'm getting a little better at it too.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Three

I'm pretty sure grabbing a meal with a friend is one of my favorite things to do in this world. Dinner tonight with L.C. was a wonderful end to my day and a fabulous way to spend a few hours.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Two

I don't think many of us like when relationships are rocky or there's an issue in the air, but I can't handle it. I've learned to internally work through dealing with someone being upset with me or there being some kind of conflict, but what I can't handle is when things aren't being discussed. Let's at least talk through it. If we're still pissed, upset, in conflict after that conversation, ok. But let's at least have that conversation. Let's at least be honest and upfront and put our shit out there.

Thank god S.B. is the same way. I can trust that when something comes up between us, we'll talk about it. We'll put it out there. Getting coffee with her tonight, airing shit out and talking through it was so important to me (and her) and I'm so very grateful that she works the same way I do in this regard.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Day Three Hundred & One

I love when television series are online/netflix. I love being able to not only watch a show without commercials, but also not have to wait a week in-between episodes. My newest addiction is Prison Break and I am so sucked in!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Day Three Hundred!

I am SO grateful for D.A., his knowledge of Word Press & HTML, and his willingness/patience to teach me the basics. He saved me so much time and suffering by sharing some of what he knows with me. Managing our website at work is one of the biggest headaches of my job b/c I don't know how to do the stuff on the back-end. It's eaten up so much of time b/c it takes me too long to attempt to figure it out and then generally realize I have no idea what to do. The little I know now has allowed me to make most of the changes/updates I need to. Without D.A., I'd still be working on my first update!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Nine

I met up with N. and her kids today at McDonald's so that they could be entertained by the play place (which they were - for hours!). It was just so nice to be with her and be able to talk about all the things that of all the people in my life, only she understands.

It also didn't hurt when her three-year-old opened the Emergency Exit door and the alarm went off. The look on his face was priceless and he will never do that again!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Eight

I had a really fabulous afternoon and evening hanging out with myself today. After working this morning, I went to the grocery store to return a movie, and of course decided it was finally time to do some real food shopping, so I gave in and did it. And actually enjoyed it. For whatever reason, grocery shopping is one of my very least favorite chores, which is probably why I so rarely do it. But I think actually being in the city now makes everything more interesting (oh the people).

Then I came home and spent about six hours cleaning (which I immediately made dirty again) and decorating my apartment. I think I'm almost done in the living room and kitchen! I still need to buy a couple picture frames and then make the tapestry/curtains and those rooms will be all set. I watched an interesting movie, Blue Like Jazz, read my old Thailand journal & mass emails, and rocked out to music.

I haven't enjoyed being alone in what feels like a really long time. I've always experienced bouts of loneliness/aloneness, but I feel like I used to not just tolerate, but enjoy, being alone. I never really understood my friends who constantly needed to have plans and be around other people. But as things got rough the past few months, being alone felt lonely and gave me too much time to think. The depression made me isolate myself, which made me feel worse b/c I wanted to be around other people, but couldn't get myself to do it, which created this horrible cycle and made being alone feel pretty awful.

Today was the first time in such a long, long time that it felt good. I felt good being with myself.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Seven

I'm so grateful for my coworker today. She's really amazing as a person and a professional. I feel like there is so much I can learn from her and she has been an incredible listener as I try and figure all the aspects of this job out. I feel blessed that I get to work beside her every day.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Six

YAY new places in CO! I’m realizing that maybe the best part of my new job is that through outreach, I get to go where I’ve never been. I went to Loveland today and it was so cool!  It reminded me of Milford, MI so much that it’s ridiculous! I felt like I was almost at home!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Five

OH dear. I feel like almost every Wednesday I am grateful for the same thing. New thoughts. New insights. New analysis. New learning. New challenges. New growth. I feel like there is so much I could say about this day that I’m grateful for, but the words wouldn’t really even explain it.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Four

Today was a really hard work day. I’ve done so many intakes in my time as a professional, and even in my time as at my current job, I’ve done “worse” intakes. But for some reason, this intake I did this morning, really threw me. To the point that I asked the program director to take an intake we had that afternoon b/c I couldn’t do it and when she said she wasn’t sure she had time, I started to cry pretty hardcore.

And then we had our speak out group, which is actually my favorite part of the week, but I left it feeling so overwhelmed and upset and so many other words I can’t express. The one thing I knew was that I couldn’t go home after that kind of 11 hour day. I just couldn’t. I didn’t fully know what to do or where to go, but I decided to see if V. was free and thank goddess she was. And that L. lives with her. I needed to go somewhere I felt safe and secure and like the world wasn’t completely full of awful, horrible people and experiences. I feel very, very, very blessed that I could sit on V’s bed and watch as she unpacked all her stuff. And that’s what we did. We didn’t talk all that much.

She unpacked. I sat. She unpacked some more. I gave suggestions and sat some more. And I really don’t know what I would have done if that wasn’t a place I could go. I didn’t need to talk; I didn’t want to talk. I just needed to be near safe people. And it made all the difference.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Three

I have been very grateful to have a job in general b/c I’ve needed something to do with myself. But finally having a real check to deposit… oh dear. So amazing.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Two

I made a really stupid decision tonight. I decided to walk 2 miles home, drunk, at 2am, in a neighborhood I still don’t really know. I think about it right now and I think, omg. Seriously woman? And yah, maybe eventually I’ll know the neighborhood better and I’ll know when it is and isn’t (as much as person EVER can) safe. But right now I truly have no clue. But in my drunken state, I thought, hell, I don’t want to pay to take a cab; I’m not “that” drunk, and I’d rather walk the two miles. So I did.


And what I have to say now is thank god for good strangers. Half way through my walk, this dude joined me. And being drunk, (and the fact that he was uber hot), I didn’t even pause in questioning the thought of him. We started chatting, he realized how drunk I was, I fell into a thorn bush, he helped me up, and he decided it would be a good idea for him to walk me to my place, even though he had about another 1.5 miles further from my place.

He was kind. He was friendly. He was helpful. He was funny. He was a decent human being. And thank god Sarah and Dan came to find me (which is for another gratitude post), but either way, he was good.

I think about how that night could have ended and it’s scary. I think about who could have ended up walking near me and even if that person wasn’t a “bad” person in general, that dude could have seen a very drunk woman, and he could have made a decision. I could have ended up in a place that I never ever wanted to experience again, so very easily.

Doing the work I do, focusing on violence against women, being a passionate victim advocate for over ten years, I know the reality of what statistically happens in situations like I was in and it’s nothing like what I was blessed enough to experience. So I am so incredibly grateful for kind, good, caring strangers.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-One

I remember when Prison Break was on air and I thought the show looked interesting, but not like anything I would ever want to watch; so I didn’t. Then V. suggested that it was an amazing show and on Netfix and I should give it a go. HOLY CRAP. I love this show. Love, love, love, and I don’t know what I would be doing with myself without it.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety

I continue to feel so grateful that T.B. is back from her trip away from phones. We got coffee this morning (I went into work late! WAHOO) and it was just so nice to be with her. The coffee was AWFUL. The woman who owned the place was AWFUL. T pushed and challenged me in a way that wasn’t “awful,” but wasn’t pleasant feeling either. But she pushed me. It’s been a really long time since I’ve had a loved one who has been willing to say to me: “This isn’t cool. You know too much for this. What the hell are you doing? I support you; but I don’t support this.” And as a “loved one,” I get that. But I really appreciate that she was willing to express those things in words. In being honest, I don’t necessarily know what I’m willing to make different because of what she said, but she at least was courageous, loving, and willing to do so. And the gratitude I feel about that; I don’t even know how to explain.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Eight

I don’t know the last time I had a medical professional I truly trusted; whom I felt like I could be honest with and tell everything that was going on. And I’m so very thankful that I have someone like that right now. I’m going to have to leave him soon because of insurance, but I don’t know what I would have done the last four months without him.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Seven


There's something about this quote that rings so true to me. Even the literally meaning of it, the idea of treading so much water that I forget how much I love to swim. But as a metaphor... shit. It's also so true. I feel like in the pain and discomfort of everything that's gone on in the past few months, I've gotten so focused on how hard it is to tread water that I couldn't feel or remember anything else... even how much I love life.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Six

It's a good thing I really love coffee b/c I have a shit ton of coffee dates. :) Seeing V. today for coffee at "my" new coffeeshop was wonderful. I haven't seen her in about a month and though there was so much we could have caught up on, we really just hung out and focused on the present. Simply being with her was a blessing.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Five

It was fabulous getting coffee with Amanda this morning! It's been so incredibly long since we hung out and just getting to spend time with her felt really special.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Four

I loved Skyping with Keegan today. It felt so amazing to see his face and hear his voice. I really hate that other people can see me with Skype, but I absolutely love that I can see them. Talking on the phone just isn't the same. I feel like I've actually spent time with someone after we Skyped. It feels so much more like they're sitting across the table from me. It's exciting to hear Keegan talk about his proposal to Tom and their engagement/wedding. There are no other couples in this world whom I love together as much as the two of them. Weddings aren't really my thing and I have some issues with marriage in general, but I truly cannot wait to celebrate their relationship and their future together in their ceremony.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Three

Sort of a repeat, but I am really incredibly grateful for my new boss. I appreciate that she has already made me feel comfortable enough that I can go to her with issues or when I'm upset by something. I appreciate that she is open to feedback, is willing to help me brainstorm, and is totally accepting of tears, emotions, and struggles. I really felt thrown under the bus by someone this week and then it blew up into this big conflict that I really wasn't expecting. The boss was able to listen to me about it, comfort and reassure me, back me up, encourage me to feel what I was feeling, and provide feedback in a positive way. I spent all of Wednesday (and I wasn't even working that day, which made it all the worse) feeling really upset about the situation and I couldn't decide if I wanted to talk about it with the boss-lady. I'm so incredibly glad that I decided to and I am so incredibly grateful that she is who she is and responded as she did.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Two

I think I may have posted this one before too? But I am incredibly freakin grateful for having someone (let's be honest, my therapist; and as a therapist, I really shouldn't be embarrassed about seeing one myself!) who pushes me and helps me see what I don't really want to see. I feel like I had the best therapy session I have ever had today. My therapist was able to put into a succinct sentence something I've been trying to define/say for months now. And in her saying it, I got really really freakin clear about the "why" of some things. It hurt and ultimately, I kinda wish I didn't know it now, but it also has me examining a lot.  


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-One

AHHHH I LOVE that my work has decided to start a "Speak Out" workshop about public speaking and telling one's story. I seriously don't feel like there's anything I'm more passionate about and to be able to help lead this group is insane.

And tonight's first group was great. There were hiccups, of course. But overall, it was great and I'm so happy.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty

I feel really lucky to have found a job that gets once of its grants through the WIA program and that there's a possibility that I could get a little bit of money for gas and for clothing. I don't know how much this money will be, but at this point my life, I feel like even $20 would be amazing.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Nine

I felt really nostalgic today as I cleaned my old apartment. It's hard to believe two years have passed and that I've been in Denver/graduated with my MSW already. It's incredible how much happened in that time span and how much of it happened in that apartment. So many amazing things and a few really hard things too. I'm grateful I made it through those two years and that I'm on to better things.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Eight

MOVING DAY!! Thank goodness the day went well. Moving always increases my anxiety and I was particularly nervous this time for some reason. I'm so blessed to have friends who are willing to help me move, unpack, and build furniture. I'd be stuck somewhere in-between apartments right now without them. :)

Friday, August 3, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Seven

Last night in my old apartment. I thought finishing packing would take me maybe two hours and it ended up taking me seven. However, I really didn't mind. It was nice to be doing something that had a clear starting and ending point and left me feeling accomplished after.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Six

I'm so grateful I have such an understanding new boss. I definitely overslept and missed a training this morning. AVT could have been frustrated, pissed, or any other slew of emotions, but she was so calm about it and just said, "It happens to everyone, let me know if I need to do anything." I kicked myself enough for missing my alarm during the second week of work that I'm really appreciative that she didn't do it too.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Five

It was really interesting to go the SAIC meeting with Ali today. I felt like a real professional being in that room with everyone else. And it was really inspiring to see all these different agencies, all these different people who are passionate about eliminating violence against women and children and providing support and advocacy for the survivors. It was also fascinating to meet the chief of police. He's gotten a really bad wrap in the media, most likely b/c he was specifically hired to come in and clean house/fix issues. I still don't totally know what I think of him, but it was awesome to be in a position to even sit there and interact with him.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Four

I am so grateful that I was able to spend the morning with Liz and Peter. I thought it would be about 4 years between the last time I saw them and the next since they've been living in London. But not only did they happen to come to the US this summer, they had a conference in CO. I'm so happy to have spent time with them. It felt like no time had passed since Liz and I were last hanging out. That woman is just so filled with spirit that being around her fills me.



"There are people of spirit and there are people of passion, both less common than one might think. Rarer still are the people of spirit and passion. But rarest of all is a passionate spirit."
-Martin Buber

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Two

Getting cupcakes with Tasha was so fun today. I loved meeting her kids and it was so nice to get sticky toddler kisses and hugs!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-One

In addition to the intake aspect of clinical work, I also get to facilitate a writing support group that meets once a month. Today was my first one and it went swimmingly. My boss sat in since it was my first time and it was really nice to get such positive feedback from her after!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy

I completed two intakes today and it felt fabulous to be doing some clinical work again. I specifically picked a job that wasn't fully clinical because I feel like that's what's best for me, but I still love clinical work and I'm really thankful that this job will allow me to do a little bit of it.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Nine

I finally got something accomplished at work today, which felt great! It's been an overwhelming week (as starting something new usually is) and I kept starting projects, but not finishing them! So it's nice that it felt like a few things were finished today!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Eight

For the past seven months, I've been obsessed with Florence and The Machine. Not only does Florence Welch has an absolutely amazing voice and the songs are that right mix of catchy and complex, but those cds also got me through a lot. I've always been that kind of person who feels that music speaks to her soul and soothes so many wounds.

Tonight I went and saw Florence and The Machine at Red Rocks and it was truly magical. I have never been to a better concert and I've never heard anyone who sounds so much better live. It's like her cds don't come close to doing her justice. Plus, she was so entertaining! She's such a performer and she looked stunning. She looked like an angel in her white gown and there was something about being there, listening to her sing, with people I love, during my first week at new job, after those cds helped me through so much, that just felt right.

I felt so grateful to be standing there singing along: "...And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off, oh whoa; And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart, 'cause I like to keep my issues drawn; it's always darkest before the dawn..."



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Seven

I feel so blessed that by the time I got home from my second day of work, my mom had packed up 75% of my apartment for the move! I absolutely hate packing, so this was a huge, huge, huge kindness!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Six

I'm so thankful my first day at a new job went so smoothly. I feel like I immediately meshed with the others and felt like they were as excited to have me as I was to join them!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Five

I really feel blessed to be able to work through my pre-first-day-of-a-new-job nerves with my bestie over the phone. She never belittles the emotions I'm feel about anything and has known me for so long that she can point out things that I don't necessarily keep in the front of my mind.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Four

I love camping, but there's also something wonderful about coming back to a clean apartment and not having to worry about bringing dirt into bed!

Friday, July 20, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Three

Since there was such little snow this year, there wasn't much runoff in the rivers and the water was much, much warmer than it was last year. So we spent most of the day in the river!


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Two

Time in the mountains! One of the best things about Colorado, and one of the main reasons I decided to stay here, is that it's so easy to get to somewhere insanely beautiful. The fact that I can drive for two hours and end up some place that feels like another world is pure bliss.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-One

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!! I'm so excited and grateful to have gotten the position that I really wanted. I can't wait to grow my career starting here. It feels like things are finally starting to come together.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty

Spontaneous coffee date with L.M. It was fabulous to sit outside and just chat for a couple of hours.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Eight

Chatting with my dad to prepare for my second round interview and ending the conversation feeling so much more prepared.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Seven

I love that going to the library and leaving with a stack of books is still as exciting for me as it was when I was a little girl. I've always loved getting lost in a story. Characters become like people I know. Places become real in my imagination. I really feel like an entire new world is opened for me when I crack open the cover. I often felt really lonely as a kid and didn't have many friends. But reading, falling into a story, helped me feel like there was a place I might belong.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Six

I loved getting coffee with L.P. today. It's so nice when you just click with someone. I had no idea who she was before this winter, but quickly realized in class that she was someone I'd love to get to know. Perhaps one of the blessings of not having a job yet is that I've been able to hang out more frequently with friends and have really been able to grow new ones.

Dinner with K.R. was also wonderful. I love that we've been able to see each other about every other week this summer. I really enjoy her company.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Five

I had a wonderful dinner with S.R. tonight. It felt great to be sitting outside, near my soon-to-be new neighborhood, simply enjoying each others' company.

Then I had the surprise treat of getting to see S.B. too. It was really fun to walk around the mall and chat, while window-shopping. I had incredibly high anxiety today for some reason and several times throughout the day, I thought to myself, "I wish I could see Sarah for just a few minutes. I feel like spending even just a little bit of time with her would help." Though I'm not happy she was having a hard day too, I do love that she needed some time with a friend today too and it randomly worked out that we could see one another. She's such a blessing.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Four

I feel blessed beyond words to have much such an amazing group of women in such an unlikely place. Going out for lunch after group was fabulous. I haven't felt that comfortable with a group in years. It all felt natural. I'm so amazed that so many of the women are people I would have been friends with no matter what circumstance we met in. I'm really excited to grow some of these friendships.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Three

My interview this morning went really, really well. I think I would be happy in the position and with the people. It seems like a position and organization where I could really grow. I'm so excited that they asked me to come back for a second interview in a week. I'm really crossing my fingers that this works out.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Two

I found my new apartment! I'm so happy to have this out of the way. I think I'm really going to like the neighborhood; the apartment is a good size; and the price is the same as I'm paying currently. I really can't wait to live a mile away from S.B., to have a park half a mile away, a coffee shop half a block away, and to just be somewhere where people are out walking around, where trees line the streets, and a place that feels like a community. I am so grateful to have this taken care of. I feel like I'm starting to breathe again.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-One

I generally hate talking on the phone, but today I spent over four hours on it between talking with B.A., my dad, and Jess. Really great conversations and I actually feel caught up on their lives.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty

For enjoying time alone again. It got to the point over the past several months where I isolated myself from others, but didn't truly want to be alone. Being alone led to overthinking, overfeeling, over-everything. I feel like I've finally gotten back to a place where being alone fills me up, instead of dragging me down.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Nine

For Tasha. For her sweetness. Her desire to put other people's feelings first. Her honesty. Her beauty. For the ease within which we immediately became friends. For knowing that I just made a life long friend, one whom I won't necessarily have to see all the time, but with whom I can exist a deeper, authentic level.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Seven

Independence Day: I truly am grateful for all the men and women, soldier and civilian, who fought over the course of US history to provide me with the freedoms I have. While there is a lot I would like to change out this country, I still cannot imagine being anything other than an American. And while this day is generally important in the National sense, I also find it really imperative to take time to consider my own independence.

*****

On July 4th, 2007, I started my journey towards what I thought it meant to be an "independent adult." I wanted to get the hell out of Midwest and start somewhere new. I thought it was necessary to move far away in order to try to "be a new me." A "me" who relied on no one else and could handle whatever came her way. I packed up my little car with all of my belongings and drove myself from Michigan to North Carolina. I stopped for the night half way between. I remember eating by myself at a restaurant for the very first time. I bought sparklers to mark the occasion. The rain was pouring down so hard outside that I couldn't go out there and light them, so I decided I'd celebrate in my room.

Of course the smoke detector went off as soon as I took this photo, but I remember feeling so "grown-up." Eating alone, staying in a hotel, moving all by myself, going where I knew no one, taking a leap of faith on a job, celebrating my own independence day.

Over that summer in Asheville, I learned that taking a job just to get away from somewhere wasn't the smartest idea. While I met great people and absolutely loved the city, my boss was a creep and the hours I worked were ridiculous. I had that feeling in my gut for 2 solid months that I wasn't in the right place. That I hadn't necessarily made a mistake moving there, but that I couldn't stay. Everyone around me kept saying: "You made a year commitment; anyone can handle something for a year; just stick it out; are you really going to move again?" But for maybe the first time in my life (at that point), I really tuned into what I knew was right for me and did what I swore I'd never do: I found a job in Chicago, repacked all my stuff, and moved again 4 months after moving down to NC.

The amazing thing for me at that time is that I didn't feel like a failure, like I couldn't hack it, or the need to listen to anyone else's opinions on what was "right" or "best." I knew what was best for me and I made the decisions. I swallowed some of my pride, envisioned a new future, and went for it. Independence for me during this stage was true independence. It was about me being free and able to do for myself.
*****

By July 4th, 2008, I had lived in Chicago for about 9 months and though there were rough points, I was amazed at how at home I felt there. I had made the most amazing group of friends. And it was a group of people who were so much more than friends- they were family.

I've had amazing friends over the course of my life. I have been blessed to know kind, intelligent, loving, fun people. But until that point, I'd never had a group of friends where things just ran smoothly. Where we got together weekly for dinner and games, went out to bars, celebrated holidays and birthdays, talked online, talked on the phone, moved in as roommates, moved out as roommates, dated new people, broke up with people, met lifelong partners, had fights, gave support, and loved one another in its most simple and complex form.

After spending those first 9 months in Chicago, I had learned that I didn't have to do everything alone. That there were trustworthy people out there, people who loved me and would help me at every step if they could. I learned that while independence was important, interdependence was just as great. I think this group of people taught me the beauty in receiving support, in accepting it wholly for the gift it was. 
*****

After about 21 months in Chicago, by July 4th, 2009, I had gone from working a barely paying AmeriCorps job to working for Corporate America. It wasn't my ideal job, but it paid me and eventually I settled in with my coworkers and bosses and started to really feel like an "adult." I could pay all my own bills, my own loans, groceries, insurance, car payments, dinners out, drinks with friends, could save money and buy things I wanted. I was pretty financially stable and was still loving my group of friends and my time in Chicago.

My family took a trip that year to Belize and we visited some Mayan ruins:

 The steps to get to the top of one of the buildings were incredibly steep and exhausting (especially in the heat), but we all climbed our way up and were treated to an incredible view. There's something for me about pushing my body to the limit physically that reminds me how tough I am mentally. When I push through and get to that "reward," I feel such a sense of accomplishment.

I think 2009 was about that very thing for me: accomplishment. That year I learned that if I trusted in the Universe, put in time and energy, trusted myself and others, pushed myself as far as I could, and took ownership of my life, I could accomplish whatever I wanted. My independence lesson that year was knowing that I could make it and I could make it alone or with the help of others, but it was my choice, and either way, it was going to work out.

*****

Taking that knowledge with me into the next year, I decided it was time to let go of the security of Chicago, the comfort of my friends, and the stability of my finances to go after my dreams. I once again packed up my life and moved to Denver, CO to start graduate school in social work (this time my mom and her bf helped me move!).

That Fourth of July (2010) marked the end of one era and phase in my life and I was off on another. It was amazing the difference I felt from that first independence day in 2007 when I needed to do everything by myself. I thought I had so much to prove. This time around, I welcomed and accepted help. I cried when I said goodbye. I told people how special they were to me and how much I would miss them. I savored having my mom coming along with me to help me establish my new life. Over those 3 years I had learned that life is complex and beautiful, that giving and receiving help were blessings, and that I continued to have the ability to choose the path I wanted to take in life. 

*****

My first year in Denver was wonderful. For sure it had its ups and downs, but it was such an exciting period. Living alone for the very first time. Being back in school was fantastic. My classmates were brilliant. My professors were brilliant. I loved writing papers, being intellectual, debating theories and policies, getting happy hour after classes, and getting to know new people. And I met really wonderful people. I think the best part of getting to develop new friendships (where 95% of them were through school) was that all the people were so very different, but we were united by the common love of people and wanting to make a change. I made a lot of singular friendships and became very close with a group of women as well. While it was all very different than that family friendship group in Chicago, it was also a fun, caring group.



By the time July 4th, 2011 rolled around, I had completed my first year of graduate school, had amazing friends, was spending the summer nannying and exploring Colorado, and was greatly loving living alone. At this time, independence to me could be summarized by a poem by Diane Seuss:

Song in my heart

If there's pee on the seat it's my pee,
battery's dead I killed it, canary at the bottom
of the cage I bury it, like God tromping the sky
in his undershirt carrying his brass spittoon,
raging and sobbing in his Hush Puppy house
slippers with the backs broke down, no Mrs.
God to make him reasonable as he gets out
the straight razor to slice the hair off his face,
using the Black Sea as a mirror when everyone
knows the Black Sea is a terrible mirror,
like God is a terrible simile for me but like
God with his mirror, I use it. 

*****

It's hard to believe another Fourth of July (2012) has rolled around and that it's been five years since I set out on that first "independent" Independence Day.  I can say for sure that these five years have not taken me anywhere I expected them to, nor has "independent, adult-life" been as easy as I always imagined it would be. But damn what an adventure it has been.


This past year has been an especially difficult one; one I am literally grateful I have survived. The past six months have had moments of sheer bliss and unfathomable sorrow, pure beauty (like sitting at the Grand Canyon at sunrise- see pic) and human ugliness, great accomplishment and total failure.

As I sit here, on my balcony one month before I move to a new place in Denver, I am trying to figure out what I've learned about independence this year. Maybe because it's all so fresh and I haven't had the distance like I have from the other years, it all seems a bit muddled.

What I do know I've learned is that I alone am responsible for my happiness; that whether people love me or hate, leave me or stay, I can be okay; that even if other people are upset with me or don't like something about me, I can survive it and still love myself; that I'm the only person who will always be here for me and I'm the only one I can truly count on; that my family comes in close second right behind me and are also most likely the only ones who will always love me; that friends come and go and that when they go, it doesn't mean they aren't wonderful people and the time you had together wasn't great, but that their time in your life is just over; that life is a adventure and even though individual moments can seem unmanageable, there's a whole life out there waiting.

Most importantly, perhaps, I've learned that my life is my responsibility, my decisions are mine, and that I am on a journey of learning how to love myself better, deeper, and with more compassion. This Independence Day, I want to celebrate the me I am in this very moment. Not who I was before, not who I'll be tomorrow, but who I am right now. A fallible, complex, strong, well-intentioned, growing, independent and interdependent individual.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Six

For being productive and applying to 5 jobs in one day. I'm working really hard not to bogged down or feel hopeless by this process and am trying to keep giving it up to the Universe. Something will work out when it's supposed to work out and until then, the Universe won't leave me without some lesson to learn.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Five

Getting the apartment search truly underway and hopefully finding something soon.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Four

Finally a clean apartment!

Hour long gab sess with Jessalyn; being able to talk through some things with someone who an outsider's perspective; knowing she's always got my back.

The birth of my mother 54 years ago.

The night finally cooling enough (to 89F in my apartment currently) that I think I'll finally be able to sleep.

Working on my vision board.

Journaling again.


Saturday, June 30, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Three

I found a journal-type note on a random piece of paper tonight that I wrote in April. Part of it reads:

It's this crazy sense of feeling worthless and undeserving of love and like I always need to punish myself. Where does this need to punish myself come from? Why do I feel like I've done something so wrong in this life that I'm not worthy of it? I push so many amazing people away because I'm convinced I don't deserve them and then I wonder why I'm all alone.

I wrote a similar journal entry tonight, but this time I wrote it telling myself why it is that I'm deserving of love, I included my faults, my strengths, and other things. It's just so interesting to have found that note after I wrote in my journal and to see some of the difference in my thinking from three months ago. I think having that chance, having the ability to directly reflect is a great blessing.

I'm also really stuck on the last sentence and how I still let that play out in my life today and how I finally need to take responsibility for it and stop playing the victim. If I continually push people away, I will continually be alone. But I am the one doing the action here... I am the one making the choice. I think it's time to make a different choice.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Two

Wonderful afternoon conversation with K.R. Being able to provide someone else support right now felt really great and reminded me that I still have a lot of great qualities and that those parts of me haven't disappeared through all of this.

Then a wonderful evening spend with A.S. Lounging outside, enjoying one another.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-One

For B.A. sending this song to me months ago before she could even realize how desperately I needed to hear it and believe it. And for feeling that even though it seems that my support system has shrunk  over the past two months, there are still a couple of people who will sit with me when I can't be alone, who will "drive out to find me" if I get "lost," or who "try and remind me" if I "forget their love."

I experienced that kind of love again today. It was so hard to even get the words out of mouth to say "I can't be alone right now." And for that person to say, "Ok, let's sit and watch a movie or what usually makes you feel better?" And she stayed there with me for two hours until the anxiety/panic attack passed and I could function again. Afterward, the guilt I felt over making a friend experience that, of having a friend put her life on hold for those few hours, of having someone see me in such a low, low place, was incredible. I wanted to run from it. I wanted to push away from her while simultaneously apologizing over and over again and telling her I won't ever make her go through that with me again. Her responses were right on and now my job is accept them. To accept the kindness. To believe that there are no strings attached. That people will provide love. That I am worthy of that kind of love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXuPyE7CKZQ


"When It Don't Come Easy" by Patty Griffin


Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
Everywhere the waters getting rough
Your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

I don't know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home

You're out there walking down a highway
And all of the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

So many things that I had before
That don't matter to me now
Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost
And the love I've never found
When the last bird falls
And the last siren sounds
Someone will say what's been said before
Some love we were looking for

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty

Today I was blessed to be able to say goodbye to B.A. There've been quite a few posts about her recently because she is a truly remarkable woman and someone I cannot imagine the past two years without. She has a kind of wisdom, compassion, intelligence, care-freeness, and just joy in her that she freely shares and I so greatly want to emulate. Even when there's something that have her stressed or is upsetting her, she does that amazing thing (to me) of actually feeling and accepting her emotions. She knows they're going to hard and not fun, but she goes through them and seems to come out on this other side. The other side isn't necessarily painfree, but it seems to be a place where she's taken the experience in a woven it into wisdom.

She is one of those incredibly rare friends. The ones who you are so so lucky to come across at some point in your life. And when the heart breaks a bit because you have to say goodbye, one piece of you can hold onto the memories because they are so strong; another piece is knowing that you were blessed to have had your individual journeys cross at the exact right moment, and another piece is knowing that even the the relationship is no longer geographically convenient, the space she holds in my heart means she is always close to me.

It's been quite a while since I've been the one staying as a friend leaves. Usually I am the one onto the next, new, great adventure and have so much newness waiting for me that the sadness of whom I'm saying goodbye to and the excitement over what's to come tend to level out. With this case, I'm just sitting in the sadness for a little bit.

But damn. I was so blessed to Bree here in my life for so long. To have developed our kind of relationship- one that so easily balances the happy with the sad, the two of us alone, or being in a group. We just worked remarkably well as friends.

I will forever be grateful I met her. And I'm going to dig deep and find the excitement for what possible positive changes may come into a now long distance friendship.



I love you B.A.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Nine

Reading a book in the pool on a 105F day, and even being alone for most of it.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Eight

Air conditioning... I'm dreading how expensive my electric bill is going to be for this month, but I am also so so so grateful that I have AC in this five day streak of 100+ degree days.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Seven

Sometimes trashy, awful, awesome books are all it takes to pull me out of myself. Thank the goddesses for "Fifty Shades of Grey," which is a statement I never ever thought I'd make!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Six


I had the most amazing day with L.C. today: buying flowers, planting flower boxes, wandering her new home, staring at the views, eating lunch, just chatting away, and then hitting up a "lake" to cool down. (And only another Michigan girl knows that lakes here don't qualify as lakes and the intense inner desire to be in one of ours... but we make do with what CO has to offer.)

It was one of those days that reminded me that it's the "little things" in life that make it worthwhile and it's the people we're on the journey with whom make it enjoyable. Time with her, doing the "little things," really lit up my week. I am so very blessed.


Friday, June 22, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Five

So appreciative of Natasha and Charlotte for coming to my first yoga class with me. I'm not sure I love yoga, but I loved doing it with them.

I also really liked something the yoga teacher said: "The first thing we do when we're born is inhale. The last thing we do when we die is exhale. Everything in between is a gift."

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Four

I am so glad that B.W. and I started our summer coffee dates again this year. It's wonderful to spend time with her, even if we're spending most of it job-searching. I feel so much less alone in this process. It's so scary to not have a job, to have loans/bills coming in, to watch my bank account dwindle, to not have a schedule, and to worry so much about the future. B.W. is such a calm, fun, positive person that I don't mind writing endless cover letters or trolling in the interwebz when I'm with her.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Two

A lovely brunch with Bree, with minimal tears due to impending departure. I have come to love Bree with a fierce, compassionate love, for her humor, self-confidence, willingness to put herself out there for love time and time again--believing that all great love stories have some hurdles, and for her general wisdom.

I feel confident than we will be able to maintain a long-distance friendship, but I am very sad that I won't get wander Denver with her, eat at her favorite spots I've never heard of, sit out in the sun relaxing, or have slumber parties. I will miss her hugs. I will miss her smile. I will miss her kindness.

I'm so grateful she's only moving to California and not some far-flung country, but I will miss her being here all the same.




Sunday, June 17, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Thirty

Pride Parade!!!



Haters will always hate, but love will always win.









And I'm so grateful for allies!
This cracked me up. Also with the Chipotle pin that read "I like tacos." 



In all seriousness, I love the Pride Parade and PrideFest. Despite the haters who show up every year, there is a lot of love, pride, and fellowship during this time. It's so wonderful to be surrounded by people who feel and believe the same, whether someone is lgbtq or an ally. There were a couple of times I felt myself swell with an incredible amount of love.