Day Two Hundred & Forty-Three

I found a journal-type note on a random piece of paper tonight that I wrote in April. Part of it reads:

It's this crazy sense of feeling worthless and undeserving of love and like I always need to punish myself. Where does this need to punish myself come from? Why do I feel like I've done something so wrong in this life that I'm not worthy of it? I push so many amazing people away because I'm convinced I don't deserve them and then I wonder why I'm all alone.

I wrote a similar journal entry tonight, but this time I wrote it telling myself why it is that I'm deserving of love, I included my faults, my strengths, and other things. It's just so interesting to have found that note after I wrote in my journal and to see some of the difference in my thinking from three months ago. I think having that chance, having the ability to directly reflect is a great blessing.

I'm also really stuck on the last sentence and how I still let that play out in my life today and how I finally need to take responsibility for it and stop playing the victim. If I continually push people away, I will continually be alone. But I am the one doing the action here... I am the one making the choice. I think it's time to make a different choice.

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Two

Wonderful afternoon conversation with K.R. Being able to provide someone else support right now felt really great and reminded me that I still have a lot of great qualities and that those parts of me haven't disappeared through all of this.

Then a wonderful evening spend with A.S. Lounging outside, enjoying one another.

Day Two Hundred & Forty-One

For B.A. sending this song to me months ago before she could even realize how desperately I needed to hear it and believe it. And for feeling that even though it seems that my support system has shrunk  over the past two months, there are still a couple of people who will sit with me when I can't be alone, who will "drive out to find me" if I get "lost," or who "try and remind me" if I "forget their love."

I experienced that kind of love again today. It was so hard to even get the words out of mouth to say "I can't be alone right now." And for that person to say, "Ok, let's sit and watch a movie or what usually makes you feel better?" And she stayed there with me for two hours until the anxiety/panic attack passed and I could function again. Afterward, the guilt I felt over making a friend experience that, of having a friend put her life on hold for those few hours, of having someone see me in such a low, low place, was incredible. I wanted to run from it. I wanted to push away from her while simultaneously apologizing over and over again and telling her I won't ever make her go through that with me again. Her responses were right on and now my job is accept them. To accept the kindness. To believe that there are no strings attached. That people will provide love. That I am worthy of that kind of love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXuPyE7CKZQ


"When It Don't Come Easy" by Patty Griffin

Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
Everywhere the waters getting rough
Your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

I don't know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home

You're out there walking down a highway
And all of the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

So many things that I had before
That don't matter to me now
Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost
And the love I've never found
When the last bird falls
And the last siren sounds
Someone will say what's been said before
Some love we were looking for

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

Day Two Hundred & Forty

Today I was blessed to be able to say goodbye to B.A. There've been quite a few posts about her recently because she is a truly remarkable woman and someone I cannot imagine the past two years without. She has a kind of wisdom, compassion, intelligence, care-freeness, and just joy in her that she freely shares and I so greatly want to emulate. Even when there's something that have her stressed or is upsetting her, she does that amazing thing (to me) of actually feeling and accepting her emotions. She knows they're going to hard and not fun, but she goes through them and seems to come out on this other side. The other side isn't necessarily painfree, but it seems to be a place where she's taken the experience in a woven it into wisdom.

She is one of those incredibly rare friends. The ones who you are so so lucky to come across at some point in your life. And when the heart breaks a bit because you have to say goodbye, one piece of you can hold onto the memories because they are so strong; another piece is knowing that you were blessed to have had your individual journeys cross at the exact right moment, and another piece is knowing that even the the relationship is no longer geographically convenient, the space she holds in my heart means she is always close to me.

It's been quite a while since I've been the one staying as a friend leaves. Usually I am the one onto the next, new, great adventure and have so much newness waiting for me that the sadness of whom I'm saying goodbye to and the excitement over what's to come tend to level out. With this case, I'm just sitting in the sadness for a little bit.

But damn. I was so blessed to Bree here in my life for so long. To have developed our kind of relationship- one that so easily balances the happy with the sad, the two of us alone, or being in a group. We just worked remarkably well as friends.

I will forever be grateful I met her. And I'm going to dig deep and find the excitement for what possible positive changes may come into a now long distance friendship.

I love you B.A.

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Nine

Reading a book in the pool on a 105F day, and even being alone for most of it.

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Eight

Air conditioning... I'm dreading how expensive my electric bill is going to be for this month, but I am also so so so grateful that I have AC in this five day streak of 100+ degree days.

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Seven

Sometimes trashy, awful, awesome books are all it takes to pull me out of myself. Thank the goddesses for "Fifty Shades of Grey," which is a statement I never ever thought I'd make!

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Six

I had the most amazing day with L.C. today: buying flowers, planting flower boxes, wandering her new home, staring at the views, eating lunch, just chatting away, and then hitting up a "lake" to cool down. (And only another Michigan girl knows that lakes here don't qualify as lakes and the intense inner desire to be in one of ours... but we make do with what CO has to offer.)

It was one of those days that reminded me that it's the "little things" in life that make it worthwhile and it's the people we're on the journey with whom make it enjoyable. Time with her, doing the "little things," really lit up my week. I am so very blessed.

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Five

So appreciative of Natasha and Charlotte for coming to my first yoga class with me. I'm not sure I love yoga, but I loved doing it with them.

I also really liked something the yoga teacher said: "The first thing we do when we're born is inhale. The last thing we do when we die is exhale. Everything in between is a gift."

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Four

I am so glad that B.W. and I started our summer coffee dates again this year. It's wonderful to spend time with her, even if we're spending most of it job-searching. I feel so much less alone in this process. It's so scary to not have a job, to have loans/bills coming in, to watch my bank account dwindle, to not have a schedule, and to worry so much about the future. B.W. is such a calm, fun, positive person that I don't mind writing endless cover letters or trolling in the interwebz when I'm with her.

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Three

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-Two

A lovely brunch with Bree, with minimal tears due to impending departure. I have come to love Bree with a fierce, compassionate love, for her humor, self-confidence, willingness to put herself out there for love time and time again--believing that all great love stories have some hurdles, and for her general wisdom.

I feel confident than we will be able to maintain a long-distance friendship, but I am very sad that I won't get wander Denver with her, eat at her favorite spots I've never heard of, sit out in the sun relaxing, or have slumber parties. I will miss her hugs. I will miss her smile. I will miss her kindness.

I'm so grateful she's only moving to California and not some far-flung country, but I will miss her being here all the same.

Day Two Hundred & Thirty-One

For finally believing this:

Day Two Hundred & Thirty

Pride Parade!!!

Haters will always hate, but love will always win.









And I'm so grateful for allies!

This cracked me up. Also with the Chipotle pin that read "I like tacos." 

In all seriousness, I love the Pride Parade and PrideFest. Despite the haters who show up every year, there is a lot of love, pride, and fellowship during this time. It's so wonderful to be surrounded by people who feel and believe the same, whether someone is lgbtq or an ally. There were a couple of times I felt myself swell with an incredible amount of love.

Day Two Hundred & Twenty-Nine

-I'm so glad I decided to buy a camera. I have so many bills right now that I need to pay and I seriously debated whether or not I should buy the camera; but it's given me so much pleasure and is a great, healthy hobby for me. I stare that picture and it reminds me to be amazed by the natural world.

-Today I'm also very grateful for S.B. and our walk in Wash Park.  She walked up the path with two coffees in her hand and we had a really pleasant walk and then laid in the grass. It's the most productive I've felt before 12pm on a weekend in a really long time.

Day Two Hundred & Twenty-Eight

Happy Hour with Lauren and Ashley. I've missed the fun we have when we're together. It's feels so lucky when a class links together people.

Day Two Hundred & Twenty-Seven

Jason's graduation speech was posted online today and I took the time to relisten to it. It was as inspiring and hopeful the second time around as it was during the Recognition Ceremony. It reminds me of where we started, what we've endured, and where we're headed. And more than anything, it reminds me how blessed I am to have such passionate, articulate, caring colleagues out in the field alongside me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0q3OnFifxc&feature=youtu.be

The end of Jason's speech is exactly how I feel:

"And as the baby Luciano quite literally begins to take his first steps into the world and as I look upon your faces, I feel less despair, less doubt, more hope knowing that all of you are going forth as well."

Day Two Hundred & Twenty-Six

It was wonderful to grab coffee with T. today. I've missed not seeing her 4 days a week since I finished internship. She's an amazing woman and I feel so lucky to be able to call her my friend.

Day Two Hundred & Twenty-Five

Dinner & movie night with B.A. I'm going to miss her so much when she moves back to California. But as we say to one another: "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -Winnie the Pooh

Day Two Hundred & Twenty-Four

Driving along route 34 from Estes Park to Grand Lake through the Rocky Mountain National Park was INCREDIBLE.

Day Two Hundred & Twenty-Three

Beautiful time in Estes Park. Amazing views from our dinner table. Enjoyable time with mom.

Day Two Hundred & Twenty-Two

For my own health (physical and mental) I decided not to celebrate graduation as I had originally planned, with the friends I had envisioned celebrating with. Even though I knew this was the best decision, it still felt hard and crappy and it was difficult to accept that the future I had imagined for so long wasn't going to be true in the present.

I decided I needed to find an equally satisfying way to celebrate all that I've accomplished over the last two years and to do something new and fun, safe and healthy, to mark my way into this new life.

My mom and I went horseback riding up in Central City and it was AMAZING. We took a two hour trail ride up the mountain, past old gold mines, and through a cemetery from the 1800s. The view took my breath away on so many occasions and it felt so awesome to be doing something new.

Tomorrow we're off to Estes Park for the day/night and then will drive the route from EP to Grand Lake through the Rocky Mountain National Park and will stay that night in Winter Park. I feel so blessed to have this time with my mom, to be outdoors, and to be celebrating the start of a new me.

Day Two Hundred & Twenty-One

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VephsDLzGss&feature=related

"Lucky Man" by Montgomery Gentry

I have days where I hate my job,
This little town and the whole world too
And last sunday when the bengals lost
Lord it put me in a bad mood

I have moments when I curse the rain
Then complain when the suns too hot
I look around at what everyone has
And I forget about all I've got

[chorus]
But I know Im a lucky man
Gods given me a pretty fair hand
Got a house and piece of land
A few dollars in a coffee can
My old trucks still runnin' good
My tickers tickin like they say it should
I've got supper in the oven
A good woman's lovin
And one more day to be my little kids dad
Lord knows I'm a lucky man

Got some friends that would be here fast
I could call em any time of day
Got a brother who's got my back
Got a momma who I swears a saint
Got a brand new rod and reel
Got a full week off this year
Dad had a close call last spring
It's a miracle he's still here

[chorus]

My old trucks still runnin' good
My tickers tickin like they say it should
I got supper in the oven
A good womans lovin'
And even my bad days aint that bad
Yeah I'm a lucky man

I'm a lucky, lucky man

Day Two Hundred & Twenty

Though I decided not to walk at commencement, I did attend the GSSW Recognition Ceremony and it felt like a very fitting close to an exhausting, exhilarating, painful, and joyous two year journey.

I'm very grateful my mom was able to be here to celebrate with me. I couldn't have made it through grad school without her. I feel like this her accomplishment, as well as mine.

Day Two Hundred & Nineteen

Taking ownership of my own happiness. Having the courage to finally make the choice to loosen my grip. Believing that I'm going to be there to catch myself once I let go.

Day Two Hundred & Eighteen

I'm so, so, so thankful the meeting I had with the school went well, that it's over with, that I know the plan, and that it's a liveable outcome.

For grabbing coffee with K.R. after. For her understanding, compassion, and friendship.

Additionally, I'm so blessed to have S.B. in my life. Our newly born week-night-slumber-party ritual is really special, comforting, and a hell of a lot of fun.

Day Two Hundred & Seventeen

I've been wanting to cut my hair short for a few months now, but kept putting it off because it took me so long to grow it out. I finally decided that with this new post-graduate school transition/life change happening, I might as well go for something new. I'm really pleased with the results and thankful I finally decided to go for it.

Day Two Hundred & Sixteen

Hand holding

Day Two Hundred & Fifteen

It was really hard to take J. to the airport today. She's an amazing friend and I felt the most like myself in her presence. Being with her reminded me that I fit somewhere, that I'm connected to others, that I'm loved for who I am- faults and all. Even during the most difficult times in my life, when I'm with her, we manage to have fun. She's truly one of the biggest blessings in my life.

Day Two Hundred & Fourteen

Went and got my new tattoo!

Akhilandeshvari: the Hindu Goddess Never-Not-Broken