Day Two Hundred & Forty-Three

I found a journal-type note on a random piece of paper tonight that I wrote in April. Part of it reads:

It's this crazy sense of feeling worthless and undeserving of love and like I always need to punish myself. Where does this need to punish myself come from? Why do I feel like I've done something so wrong in this life that I'm not worthy of it? I push so many amazing people away because I'm convinced I don't deserve them and then I wonder why I'm all alone.

I wrote a similar journal entry tonight, but this time I wrote it telling myself why it is that I'm deserving of love, I included my faults, my strengths, and other things. It's just so interesting to have found that note after I wrote in my journal and to see some of the difference in my thinking from three months ago. I think having that chance, having the ability to directly reflect is a great blessing.

I'm also really stuck on the last sentence and how I still let that play out in my life today and how I finally need to take responsibility for it and stop playing the victim. If I continually push people away, I will continually be alone. But I am the one doing the action here... I am the one making the choice. I think it's time to make a different choice.