And I Called Myself Beloved

Late Fragment by Raymond Carver

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth. 

ONE WHOLE YEAR OF GRATITUDE

I'm a goober and messed up my counting somewhere along the line... so I had to go back and relabel every day from 165 to 365. While a tiny bit annoying, what an amazing way to reread a year's worth of posts (I went back and reread them all).

I did it. I actually wrote 365 days of gratitude. When I started this blog last November, I really didn't know if I'd keep up with it or if it'd fizzle away as so many of my journals or blogs have. But here we are 365 days later. I'm a little bit in awe right now.

Rereading a year's worth of blessings, I find myself feeling an overwhelming sense of love and hope and, wait for it... gratitude. Truly though - I don't believe it's possible not to feel such gratitude when so many of my posts mentioned: (a) the incredible people in my life (both currently and in the past), (b) my ability to financially meet my needs, or (c) the lessons I've learned of the past year.

And it's been a rough year, perhaps the hardest of my life. There were a lot of moments when I wasn't sure I was going to make it through and yet, here I am. Here I am with a daily record of incredible moments. Here I am with an accounting of growth, of pain, of beauty, of gratitude, of tiny, tiny treasures that make up a life.

Day Three Hundred & Sixty-Five

I FINALLY FOUND STICKY RICE IN DENVER!!!!!!


And yes, that sentence really does deserve all capital letters and six exclamation points.

Day Three Hundred & Sixty-Four

I keep spoiling myself and got another massage. Hey! It was cheap! :)

Day Three Hundred & Sixty-Three

I really love finding new blogs that have great DIY ideas, fabulous quotes, and/or beautiful pictures.

Day Three Hundred & Sixty-Two

I'm so grateful to have a day with no agenda.

Day Three Hundred & Sixty-One

I've got whozits and whatsits galore...

Haven't watched this in so long!!!!!!

Day Three Hundred & Sixty

It was really nice to have a day off during the week. I loved running errands without being overtired from working all day and it was really nice to just sit in a coffeeshop at 2pm and read a book.

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Nine

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn; my god do you learn."  -C.S. Lewis

Apparently I need to keep relearning the same lesson over and over and over again. I knew better than to see her, but I wanted to; so I did. And it was an experience. The most brutal of teachers. But I'm learning. And I'm trying to remember to be grateful for all of life's experiences - even those that are incredibly painful.

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Eight

I'm so grateful to be home from the conference and able to snuggle and sleep in my own bed!!

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Seven

I don't know how I would have survived this work conference without my boss. It's been really nice to get to know her a little bit more on a personal level and I so greatly appreciate all the support she gave me. She didn't judge my crazy social anxiety and she listened when the conference topics became too overwhelming/triggering for me. She's been incredibly encouraging and has helped me remember what my life priorities are.

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Six

Time alone in a hot tub, in the mountains, staring at the brightest stars

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Five

Survived the first of the conference without having too major of an anxiety attack. Enjoyed chatting with the coworker on the drive up here and had a good talk with the boss this evening.

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Four

My writing group doubled in size today! It's particularly completely overwhelming to be the only facilitator with 9 group members sharing that much detail about their traumas, but it's also really amazing that through word of mouth, my marketing, and the relationships I'm building while even doing intakes has led to a double sized group. Pretty fucking badass.

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Three

EPIC happy hour with the HH girls!!! Haven't had a night out that late or been that carefree and flirty in a very long while.

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-Two

I'm really glad I got to hang out with L.M. today and that we just chilled and watched Grey's. It felt like old times; and while I know nothing is as easy as it was back then and that I'm not sure what's going to happen with our friendship and that so much still feels unsettled, I also thought we might never have a moment that felt what we had before again. But we did. And it gives me hope.

Day Three Hundred & Fifty-One

I'm really grateful for groupon! And for an amazing and cheap massage!!!! What a treat! And the guy was beyond. I want to go back tomorrow!

Day Three Hundred & Fifty

I have a picture hanging on my fridge that reads: "I urge you to please notice when you are happy and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice I don't know what is."

And today, while driving from the office to our Speak Out! Symposium event, I found myself repeating that quote because it felt so, so true. 

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Nine

I am totally grateful for Disney movies! And for Dee Dee loaning me some of her collection so that I can relive the awesome parts of childhood!

Oh Beauty & the Beast. Pocahontas. Little Mermaid. How happy you make me.

Day Three Hundred & Forty-Eight

I am grateful for the BananaBoat today! She went to new heights this weekend and she made it both up and back down the mountain! She has kind of a silly smell to her right now, but I'm hoping that it's temporary and that tomorrow she will be all good.

As a reward, she's going to get a bath and a vacuum this week!