Friday, August 31, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Four





Arts & crafts. So grateful I "have" the money to spend on supplies. Some nights I spend hours and hours working on a project because it's the only thing that calms my anxiety. I'm getting a little better at it too.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Three

I'm pretty sure grabbing a meal with a friend is one of my favorite things to do in this world. Dinner tonight with L.C. was a wonderful end to my day and a fabulous way to spend a few hours.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Day Three Hundred & Two

I don't think many of us like when relationships are rocky or there's an issue in the air, but I can't handle it. I've learned to internally work through dealing with someone being upset with me or there being some kind of conflict, but what I can't handle is when things aren't being discussed. Let's at least talk through it. If we're still pissed, upset, in conflict after that conversation, ok. But let's at least have that conversation. Let's at least be honest and upfront and put our shit out there.

Thank god S.B. is the same way. I can trust that when something comes up between us, we'll talk about it. We'll put it out there. Getting coffee with her tonight, airing shit out and talking through it was so important to me (and her) and I'm so very grateful that she works the same way I do in this regard.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Day Three Hundred & One

I love when television series are online/netflix. I love being able to not only watch a show without commercials, but also not have to wait a week in-between episodes. My newest addiction is Prison Break and I am so sucked in!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Day Three Hundred!

I am SO grateful for D.A., his knowledge of Word Press & HTML, and his willingness/patience to teach me the basics. He saved me so much time and suffering by sharing some of what he knows with me. Managing our website at work is one of the biggest headaches of my job b/c I don't know how to do the stuff on the back-end. It's eaten up so much of time b/c it takes me too long to attempt to figure it out and then generally realize I have no idea what to do. The little I know now has allowed me to make most of the changes/updates I need to. Without D.A., I'd still be working on my first update!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Nine

I met up with N. and her kids today at McDonald's so that they could be entertained by the play place (which they were - for hours!). It was just so nice to be with her and be able to talk about all the things that of all the people in my life, only she understands.

It also didn't hurt when her three-year-old opened the Emergency Exit door and the alarm went off. The look on his face was priceless and he will never do that again!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Eight

I had a really fabulous afternoon and evening hanging out with myself today. After working this morning, I went to the grocery store to return a movie, and of course decided it was finally time to do some real food shopping, so I gave in and did it. And actually enjoyed it. For whatever reason, grocery shopping is one of my very least favorite chores, which is probably why I so rarely do it. But I think actually being in the city now makes everything more interesting (oh the people).

Then I came home and spent about six hours cleaning (which I immediately made dirty again) and decorating my apartment. I think I'm almost done in the living room and kitchen! I still need to buy a couple picture frames and then make the tapestry/curtains and those rooms will be all set. I watched an interesting movie, Blue Like Jazz, read my old Thailand journal & mass emails, and rocked out to music.

I haven't enjoyed being alone in what feels like a really long time. I've always experienced bouts of loneliness/aloneness, but I feel like I used to not just tolerate, but enjoy, being alone. I never really understood my friends who constantly needed to have plans and be around other people. But as things got rough the past few months, being alone felt lonely and gave me too much time to think. The depression made me isolate myself, which made me feel worse b/c I wanted to be around other people, but couldn't get myself to do it, which created this horrible cycle and made being alone feel pretty awful.

Today was the first time in such a long, long time that it felt good. I felt good being with myself.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Seven

I'm so grateful for my coworker today. She's really amazing as a person and a professional. I feel like there is so much I can learn from her and she has been an incredible listener as I try and figure all the aspects of this job out. I feel blessed that I get to work beside her every day.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Six

YAY new places in CO! I’m realizing that maybe the best part of my new job is that through outreach, I get to go where I’ve never been. I went to Loveland today and it was so cool!  It reminded me of Milford, MI so much that it’s ridiculous! I felt like I was almost at home!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Five

OH dear. I feel like almost every Wednesday I am grateful for the same thing. New thoughts. New insights. New analysis. New learning. New challenges. New growth. I feel like there is so much I could say about this day that I’m grateful for, but the words wouldn’t really even explain it.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Four

Today was a really hard work day. I’ve done so many intakes in my time as a professional, and even in my time as at my current job, I’ve done “worse” intakes. But for some reason, this intake I did this morning, really threw me. To the point that I asked the program director to take an intake we had that afternoon b/c I couldn’t do it and when she said she wasn’t sure she had time, I started to cry pretty hardcore.

And then we had our speak out group, which is actually my favorite part of the week, but I left it feeling so overwhelmed and upset and so many other words I can’t express. The one thing I knew was that I couldn’t go home after that kind of 11 hour day. I just couldn’t. I didn’t fully know what to do or where to go, but I decided to see if V. was free and thank goddess she was. And that L. lives with her. I needed to go somewhere I felt safe and secure and like the world wasn’t completely full of awful, horrible people and experiences. I feel very, very, very blessed that I could sit on V’s bed and watch as she unpacked all her stuff. And that’s what we did. We didn’t talk all that much.

She unpacked. I sat. She unpacked some more. I gave suggestions and sat some more. And I really don’t know what I would have done if that wasn’t a place I could go. I didn’t need to talk; I didn’t want to talk. I just needed to be near safe people. And it made all the difference.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Three

I have been very grateful to have a job in general b/c I’ve needed something to do with myself. But finally having a real check to deposit… oh dear. So amazing.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-Two

I made a really stupid decision tonight. I decided to walk 2 miles home, drunk, at 2am, in a neighborhood I still don’t really know. I think about it right now and I think, omg. Seriously woman? And yah, maybe eventually I’ll know the neighborhood better and I’ll know when it is and isn’t (as much as person EVER can) safe. But right now I truly have no clue. But in my drunken state, I thought, hell, I don’t want to pay to take a cab; I’m not “that” drunk, and I’d rather walk the two miles. So I did.


And what I have to say now is thank god for good strangers. Half way through my walk, this dude joined me. And being drunk, (and the fact that he was uber hot), I didn’t even pause in questioning the thought of him. We started chatting, he realized how drunk I was, I fell into a thorn bush, he helped me up, and he decided it would be a good idea for him to walk me to my place, even though he had about another 1.5 miles further from my place.

He was kind. He was friendly. He was helpful. He was funny. He was a decent human being. And thank god Sarah and Dan came to find me (which is for another gratitude post), but either way, he was good.

I think about how that night could have ended and it’s scary. I think about who could have ended up walking near me and even if that person wasn’t a “bad” person in general, that dude could have seen a very drunk woman, and he could have made a decision. I could have ended up in a place that I never ever wanted to experience again, so very easily.

Doing the work I do, focusing on violence against women, being a passionate victim advocate for over ten years, I know the reality of what statistically happens in situations like I was in and it’s nothing like what I was blessed enough to experience. So I am so incredibly grateful for kind, good, caring strangers.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety-One

I remember when Prison Break was on air and I thought the show looked interesting, but not like anything I would ever want to watch; so I didn’t. Then V. suggested that it was an amazing show and on Netfix and I should give it a go. HOLY CRAP. I love this show. Love, love, love, and I don’t know what I would be doing with myself without it.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Ninety

I continue to feel so grateful that T.B. is back from her trip away from phones. We got coffee this morning (I went into work late! WAHOO) and it was just so nice to be with her. The coffee was AWFUL. The woman who owned the place was AWFUL. T pushed and challenged me in a way that wasn’t “awful,” but wasn’t pleasant feeling either. But she pushed me. It’s been a really long time since I’ve had a loved one who has been willing to say to me: “This isn’t cool. You know too much for this. What the hell are you doing? I support you; but I don’t support this.” And as a “loved one,” I get that. But I really appreciate that she was willing to express those things in words. In being honest, I don’t necessarily know what I’m willing to make different because of what she said, but she at least was courageous, loving, and willing to do so. And the gratitude I feel about that; I don’t even know how to explain.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Eight

I don’t know the last time I had a medical professional I truly trusted; whom I felt like I could be honest with and tell everything that was going on. And I’m so very thankful that I have someone like that right now. I’m going to have to leave him soon because of insurance, but I don’t know what I would have done the last four months without him.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Seven


There's something about this quote that rings so true to me. Even the literally meaning of it, the idea of treading so much water that I forget how much I love to swim. But as a metaphor... shit. It's also so true. I feel like in the pain and discomfort of everything that's gone on in the past few months, I've gotten so focused on how hard it is to tread water that I couldn't feel or remember anything else... even how much I love life.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Six

It's a good thing I really love coffee b/c I have a shit ton of coffee dates. :) Seeing V. today for coffee at "my" new coffeeshop was wonderful. I haven't seen her in about a month and though there was so much we could have caught up on, we really just hung out and focused on the present. Simply being with her was a blessing.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Five

It was fabulous getting coffee with Amanda this morning! It's been so incredibly long since we hung out and just getting to spend time with her felt really special.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Four

I loved Skyping with Keegan today. It felt so amazing to see his face and hear his voice. I really hate that other people can see me with Skype, but I absolutely love that I can see them. Talking on the phone just isn't the same. I feel like I've actually spent time with someone after we Skyped. It feels so much more like they're sitting across the table from me. It's exciting to hear Keegan talk about his proposal to Tom and their engagement/wedding. There are no other couples in this world whom I love together as much as the two of them. Weddings aren't really my thing and I have some issues with marriage in general, but I truly cannot wait to celebrate their relationship and their future together in their ceremony.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Three

Sort of a repeat, but I am really incredibly grateful for my new boss. I appreciate that she has already made me feel comfortable enough that I can go to her with issues or when I'm upset by something. I appreciate that she is open to feedback, is willing to help me brainstorm, and is totally accepting of tears, emotions, and struggles. I really felt thrown under the bus by someone this week and then it blew up into this big conflict that I really wasn't expecting. The boss was able to listen to me about it, comfort and reassure me, back me up, encourage me to feel what I was feeling, and provide feedback in a positive way. I spent all of Wednesday (and I wasn't even working that day, which made it all the worse) feeling really upset about the situation and I couldn't decide if I wanted to talk about it with the boss-lady. I'm so incredibly glad that I decided to and I am so incredibly grateful that she is who she is and responded as she did.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-Two

I think I may have posted this one before too? But I am incredibly freakin grateful for having someone (let's be honest, my therapist; and as a therapist, I really shouldn't be embarrassed about seeing one myself!) who pushes me and helps me see what I don't really want to see. I feel like I had the best therapy session I have ever had today. My therapist was able to put into a succinct sentence something I've been trying to define/say for months now. And in her saying it, I got really really freakin clear about the "why" of some things. It hurt and ultimately, I kinda wish I didn't know it now, but it also has me examining a lot.  


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty-One

AHHHH I LOVE that my work has decided to start a "Speak Out" workshop about public speaking and telling one's story. I seriously don't feel like there's anything I'm more passionate about and to be able to help lead this group is insane.

And tonight's first group was great. There were hiccups, of course. But overall, it was great and I'm so happy.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Eighty

I feel really lucky to have found a job that gets once of its grants through the WIA program and that there's a possibility that I could get a little bit of money for gas and for clothing. I don't know how much this money will be, but at this point my life, I feel like even $20 would be amazing.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Nine

I felt really nostalgic today as I cleaned my old apartment. It's hard to believe two years have passed and that I've been in Denver/graduated with my MSW already. It's incredible how much happened in that time span and how much of it happened in that apartment. So many amazing things and a few really hard things too. I'm grateful I made it through those two years and that I'm on to better things.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Eight

MOVING DAY!! Thank goodness the day went well. Moving always increases my anxiety and I was particularly nervous this time for some reason. I'm so blessed to have friends who are willing to help me move, unpack, and build furniture. I'd be stuck somewhere in-between apartments right now without them. :)

Friday, August 3, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Seven

Last night in my old apartment. I thought finishing packing would take me maybe two hours and it ended up taking me seven. However, I really didn't mind. It was nice to be doing something that had a clear starting and ending point and left me feeling accomplished after.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Six

I'm so grateful I have such an understanding new boss. I definitely overslept and missed a training this morning. AVT could have been frustrated, pissed, or any other slew of emotions, but she was so calm about it and just said, "It happens to everyone, let me know if I need to do anything." I kicked myself enough for missing my alarm during the second week of work that I'm really appreciative that she didn't do it too.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Five

It was really interesting to go the SAIC meeting with Ali today. I felt like a real professional being in that room with everyone else. And it was really inspiring to see all these different agencies, all these different people who are passionate about eliminating violence against women and children and providing support and advocacy for the survivors. It was also fascinating to meet the chief of police. He's gotten a really bad wrap in the media, most likely b/c he was specifically hired to come in and clean house/fix issues. I still don't totally know what I think of him, but it was awesome to be in a position to even sit there and interact with him.