Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Four

I am so grateful that I was able to spend the morning with Liz and Peter. I thought it would be about 4 years between the last time I saw them and the next since they've been living in London. But not only did they happen to come to the US this summer, they had a conference in CO. I'm so happy to have spent time with them. It felt like no time had passed since Liz and I were last hanging out. That woman is just so filled with spirit that being around her fills me.



"There are people of spirit and there are people of passion, both less common than one might think. Rarer still are the people of spirit and passion. But rarest of all is a passionate spirit."
-Martin Buber

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-Two

Getting cupcakes with Tasha was so fun today. I loved meeting her kids and it was so nice to get sticky toddler kisses and hugs!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy-One

In addition to the intake aspect of clinical work, I also get to facilitate a writing support group that meets once a month. Today was my first one and it went swimmingly. My boss sat in since it was my first time and it was really nice to get such positive feedback from her after!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Seventy

I completed two intakes today and it felt fabulous to be doing some clinical work again. I specifically picked a job that wasn't fully clinical because I feel like that's what's best for me, but I still love clinical work and I'm really thankful that this job will allow me to do a little bit of it.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Nine

I finally got something accomplished at work today, which felt great! It's been an overwhelming week (as starting something new usually is) and I kept starting projects, but not finishing them! So it's nice that it felt like a few things were finished today!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Eight

For the past seven months, I've been obsessed with Florence and The Machine. Not only does Florence Welch has an absolutely amazing voice and the songs are that right mix of catchy and complex, but those cds also got me through a lot. I've always been that kind of person who feels that music speaks to her soul and soothes so many wounds.

Tonight I went and saw Florence and The Machine at Red Rocks and it was truly magical. I have never been to a better concert and I've never heard anyone who sounds so much better live. It's like her cds don't come close to doing her justice. Plus, she was so entertaining! She's such a performer and she looked stunning. She looked like an angel in her white gown and there was something about being there, listening to her sing, with people I love, during my first week at new job, after those cds helped me through so much, that just felt right.

I felt so grateful to be standing there singing along: "...And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off, oh whoa; And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart, 'cause I like to keep my issues drawn; it's always darkest before the dawn..."



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Seven

I feel so blessed that by the time I got home from my second day of work, my mom had packed up 75% of my apartment for the move! I absolutely hate packing, so this was a huge, huge, huge kindness!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Six

I'm so thankful my first day at a new job went so smoothly. I feel like I immediately meshed with the others and felt like they were as excited to have me as I was to join them!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Five

I really feel blessed to be able to work through my pre-first-day-of-a-new-job nerves with my bestie over the phone. She never belittles the emotions I'm feel about anything and has known me for so long that she can point out things that I don't necessarily keep in the front of my mind.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Four

I love camping, but there's also something wonderful about coming back to a clean apartment and not having to worry about bringing dirt into bed!

Friday, July 20, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Three

Since there was such little snow this year, there wasn't much runoff in the rivers and the water was much, much warmer than it was last year. So we spent most of the day in the river!


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-Two

Time in the mountains! One of the best things about Colorado, and one of the main reasons I decided to stay here, is that it's so easy to get to somewhere insanely beautiful. The fact that I can drive for two hours and end up some place that feels like another world is pure bliss.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty-One

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!! I'm so excited and grateful to have gotten the position that I really wanted. I can't wait to grow my career starting here. It feels like things are finally starting to come together.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Sixty

Spontaneous coffee date with L.M. It was fabulous to sit outside and just chat for a couple of hours.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Eight

Chatting with my dad to prepare for my second round interview and ending the conversation feeling so much more prepared.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Seven

I love that going to the library and leaving with a stack of books is still as exciting for me as it was when I was a little girl. I've always loved getting lost in a story. Characters become like people I know. Places become real in my imagination. I really feel like an entire new world is opened for me when I crack open the cover. I often felt really lonely as a kid and didn't have many friends. But reading, falling into a story, helped me feel like there was a place I might belong.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Six

I loved getting coffee with L.P. today. It's so nice when you just click with someone. I had no idea who she was before this winter, but quickly realized in class that she was someone I'd love to get to know. Perhaps one of the blessings of not having a job yet is that I've been able to hang out more frequently with friends and have really been able to grow new ones.

Dinner with K.R. was also wonderful. I love that we've been able to see each other about every other week this summer. I really enjoy her company.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Five

I had a wonderful dinner with S.R. tonight. It felt great to be sitting outside, near my soon-to-be new neighborhood, simply enjoying each others' company.

Then I had the surprise treat of getting to see S.B. too. It was really fun to walk around the mall and chat, while window-shopping. I had incredibly high anxiety today for some reason and several times throughout the day, I thought to myself, "I wish I could see Sarah for just a few minutes. I feel like spending even just a little bit of time with her would help." Though I'm not happy she was having a hard day too, I do love that she needed some time with a friend today too and it randomly worked out that we could see one another. She's such a blessing.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Four

I feel blessed beyond words to have much such an amazing group of women in such an unlikely place. Going out for lunch after group was fabulous. I haven't felt that comfortable with a group in years. It all felt natural. I'm so amazed that so many of the women are people I would have been friends with no matter what circumstance we met in. I'm really excited to grow some of these friendships.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Three

My interview this morning went really, really well. I think I would be happy in the position and with the people. It seems like a position and organization where I could really grow. I'm so excited that they asked me to come back for a second interview in a week. I'm really crossing my fingers that this works out.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-Two

I found my new apartment! I'm so happy to have this out of the way. I think I'm really going to like the neighborhood; the apartment is a good size; and the price is the same as I'm paying currently. I really can't wait to live a mile away from S.B., to have a park half a mile away, a coffee shop half a block away, and to just be somewhere where people are out walking around, where trees line the streets, and a place that feels like a community. I am so grateful to have this taken care of. I feel like I'm starting to breathe again.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty-One

I generally hate talking on the phone, but today I spent over four hours on it between talking with B.A., my dad, and Jess. Really great conversations and I actually feel caught up on their lives.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Fifty

For enjoying time alone again. It got to the point over the past several months where I isolated myself from others, but didn't truly want to be alone. Being alone led to overthinking, overfeeling, over-everything. I feel like I've finally gotten back to a place where being alone fills me up, instead of dragging me down.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Nine

For Tasha. For her sweetness. Her desire to put other people's feelings first. Her honesty. Her beauty. For the ease within which we immediately became friends. For knowing that I just made a life long friend, one whom I won't necessarily have to see all the time, but with whom I can exist a deeper, authentic level.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Seven

Independence Day: I truly am grateful for all the men and women, soldier and civilian, who fought over the course of US history to provide me with the freedoms I have. While there is a lot I would like to change out this country, I still cannot imagine being anything other than an American. And while this day is generally important in the National sense, I also find it really imperative to take time to consider my own independence.

*****

On July 4th, 2007, I started my journey towards what I thought it meant to be an "independent adult." I wanted to get the hell out of Midwest and start somewhere new. I thought it was necessary to move far away in order to try to "be a new me." A "me" who relied on no one else and could handle whatever came her way. I packed up my little car with all of my belongings and drove myself from Michigan to North Carolina. I stopped for the night half way between. I remember eating by myself at a restaurant for the very first time. I bought sparklers to mark the occasion. The rain was pouring down so hard outside that I couldn't go out there and light them, so I decided I'd celebrate in my room.

Of course the smoke detector went off as soon as I took this photo, but I remember feeling so "grown-up." Eating alone, staying in a hotel, moving all by myself, going where I knew no one, taking a leap of faith on a job, celebrating my own independence day.

Over that summer in Asheville, I learned that taking a job just to get away from somewhere wasn't the smartest idea. While I met great people and absolutely loved the city, my boss was a creep and the hours I worked were ridiculous. I had that feeling in my gut for 2 solid months that I wasn't in the right place. That I hadn't necessarily made a mistake moving there, but that I couldn't stay. Everyone around me kept saying: "You made a year commitment; anyone can handle something for a year; just stick it out; are you really going to move again?" But for maybe the first time in my life (at that point), I really tuned into what I knew was right for me and did what I swore I'd never do: I found a job in Chicago, repacked all my stuff, and moved again 4 months after moving down to NC.

The amazing thing for me at that time is that I didn't feel like a failure, like I couldn't hack it, or the need to listen to anyone else's opinions on what was "right" or "best." I knew what was best for me and I made the decisions. I swallowed some of my pride, envisioned a new future, and went for it. Independence for me during this stage was true independence. It was about me being free and able to do for myself.
*****

By July 4th, 2008, I had lived in Chicago for about 9 months and though there were rough points, I was amazed at how at home I felt there. I had made the most amazing group of friends. And it was a group of people who were so much more than friends- they were family.

I've had amazing friends over the course of my life. I have been blessed to know kind, intelligent, loving, fun people. But until that point, I'd never had a group of friends where things just ran smoothly. Where we got together weekly for dinner and games, went out to bars, celebrated holidays and birthdays, talked online, talked on the phone, moved in as roommates, moved out as roommates, dated new people, broke up with people, met lifelong partners, had fights, gave support, and loved one another in its most simple and complex form.

After spending those first 9 months in Chicago, I had learned that I didn't have to do everything alone. That there were trustworthy people out there, people who loved me and would help me at every step if they could. I learned that while independence was important, interdependence was just as great. I think this group of people taught me the beauty in receiving support, in accepting it wholly for the gift it was. 
*****

After about 21 months in Chicago, by July 4th, 2009, I had gone from working a barely paying AmeriCorps job to working for Corporate America. It wasn't my ideal job, but it paid me and eventually I settled in with my coworkers and bosses and started to really feel like an "adult." I could pay all my own bills, my own loans, groceries, insurance, car payments, dinners out, drinks with friends, could save money and buy things I wanted. I was pretty financially stable and was still loving my group of friends and my time in Chicago.

My family took a trip that year to Belize and we visited some Mayan ruins:

 The steps to get to the top of one of the buildings were incredibly steep and exhausting (especially in the heat), but we all climbed our way up and were treated to an incredible view. There's something for me about pushing my body to the limit physically that reminds me how tough I am mentally. When I push through and get to that "reward," I feel such a sense of accomplishment.

I think 2009 was about that very thing for me: accomplishment. That year I learned that if I trusted in the Universe, put in time and energy, trusted myself and others, pushed myself as far as I could, and took ownership of my life, I could accomplish whatever I wanted. My independence lesson that year was knowing that I could make it and I could make it alone or with the help of others, but it was my choice, and either way, it was going to work out.

*****

Taking that knowledge with me into the next year, I decided it was time to let go of the security of Chicago, the comfort of my friends, and the stability of my finances to go after my dreams. I once again packed up my life and moved to Denver, CO to start graduate school in social work (this time my mom and her bf helped me move!).

That Fourth of July (2010) marked the end of one era and phase in my life and I was off on another. It was amazing the difference I felt from that first independence day in 2007 when I needed to do everything by myself. I thought I had so much to prove. This time around, I welcomed and accepted help. I cried when I said goodbye. I told people how special they were to me and how much I would miss them. I savored having my mom coming along with me to help me establish my new life. Over those 3 years I had learned that life is complex and beautiful, that giving and receiving help were blessings, and that I continued to have the ability to choose the path I wanted to take in life. 

*****

My first year in Denver was wonderful. For sure it had its ups and downs, but it was such an exciting period. Living alone for the very first time. Being back in school was fantastic. My classmates were brilliant. My professors were brilliant. I loved writing papers, being intellectual, debating theories and policies, getting happy hour after classes, and getting to know new people. And I met really wonderful people. I think the best part of getting to develop new friendships (where 95% of them were through school) was that all the people were so very different, but we were united by the common love of people and wanting to make a change. I made a lot of singular friendships and became very close with a group of women as well. While it was all very different than that family friendship group in Chicago, it was also a fun, caring group.



By the time July 4th, 2011 rolled around, I had completed my first year of graduate school, had amazing friends, was spending the summer nannying and exploring Colorado, and was greatly loving living alone. At this time, independence to me could be summarized by a poem by Diane Seuss:

Song in my heart

If there's pee on the seat it's my pee,
battery's dead I killed it, canary at the bottom
of the cage I bury it, like God tromping the sky
in his undershirt carrying his brass spittoon,
raging and sobbing in his Hush Puppy house
slippers with the backs broke down, no Mrs.
God to make him reasonable as he gets out
the straight razor to slice the hair off his face,
using the Black Sea as a mirror when everyone
knows the Black Sea is a terrible mirror,
like God is a terrible simile for me but like
God with his mirror, I use it. 

*****

It's hard to believe another Fourth of July (2012) has rolled around and that it's been five years since I set out on that first "independent" Independence Day.  I can say for sure that these five years have not taken me anywhere I expected them to, nor has "independent, adult-life" been as easy as I always imagined it would be. But damn what an adventure it has been.


This past year has been an especially difficult one; one I am literally grateful I have survived. The past six months have had moments of sheer bliss and unfathomable sorrow, pure beauty (like sitting at the Grand Canyon at sunrise- see pic) and human ugliness, great accomplishment and total failure.

As I sit here, on my balcony one month before I move to a new place in Denver, I am trying to figure out what I've learned about independence this year. Maybe because it's all so fresh and I haven't had the distance like I have from the other years, it all seems a bit muddled.

What I do know I've learned is that I alone am responsible for my happiness; that whether people love me or hate, leave me or stay, I can be okay; that even if other people are upset with me or don't like something about me, I can survive it and still love myself; that I'm the only person who will always be here for me and I'm the only one I can truly count on; that my family comes in close second right behind me and are also most likely the only ones who will always love me; that friends come and go and that when they go, it doesn't mean they aren't wonderful people and the time you had together wasn't great, but that their time in your life is just over; that life is a adventure and even though individual moments can seem unmanageable, there's a whole life out there waiting.

Most importantly, perhaps, I've learned that my life is my responsibility, my decisions are mine, and that I am on a journey of learning how to love myself better, deeper, and with more compassion. This Independence Day, I want to celebrate the me I am in this very moment. Not who I was before, not who I'll be tomorrow, but who I am right now. A fallible, complex, strong, well-intentioned, growing, independent and interdependent individual.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Six

For being productive and applying to 5 jobs in one day. I'm working really hard not to bogged down or feel hopeless by this process and am trying to keep giving it up to the Universe. Something will work out when it's supposed to work out and until then, the Universe won't leave me without some lesson to learn.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Five

Getting the apartment search truly underway and hopefully finding something soon.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Day Two Hundred & Forty-Four

Finally a clean apartment!

Hour long gab sess with Jessalyn; being able to talk through some things with someone who an outsider's perspective; knowing she's always got my back.

The birth of my mother 54 years ago.

The night finally cooling enough (to 89F in my apartment currently) that I think I'll finally be able to sleep.

Working on my vision board.

Journaling again.